A new month calls for a new approach...

Hey everyone!

I apologize for the long delay between entries, but to say that this last month or so has been overwhelming is a complete understatement. You have absolutely no idea how happy I am right now that May is finally here. I never thought the month of April would end. I know I did a video entry for my last blog entry, but I feel the need to elaborate on how the month of April has been for me as a whole.

I started off the month of April by losing one of my biggest cheerleaders. My aunt, my mom's oldest sister/my Godmother, passed away on April 2nd. Seriously, the biggest shock of my life, and I was beyond heartbroken. I felt like I lost a good bit of my heart that day. My aunt was the type of woman that was sweet and bold at the same time. She was truly a lover of people and gave her time towards taking care of others. She gave it her all every time, and she never complained about it one bit. Throughout this year, she had a few instances where she was sick, but she kept herself going so that she could continue to take care of my uncle who was still recovering from a triple bypass heart surgery back in November. Throughout that first week in April, I was in a complete fog. I cried a lot on the day she died, and the day after as well. However, I eventually had to be the strong one for my mom. My aunt and my mom were very very close. Lived in close proximity with each other, attended the same church, and talked on the phone EVERY day. Sometimes even two to three times a day. So you can only imagine just an inkling of what my mom has been going through while grieving. Even though it has now only been a month since she died, it is STILL tough. We're all getting through this day by day. Anyway, the same weekend of her funeral, my car decided to go kaput, and it couldn't be fixed. So there goes my dependable mode of transportation. For a woman like me that is use to being on the go, this was going to be big change for me. It gets better from here. April 10th, I lost my job, and honestly, it was a big blessing in disguise. The corporate world is not for me. Granted, I had been working in various corporate call centers on and off for the last seven years, and I was good at what I did, but at the end of the day, it is not my passion. Being fired gave me the closure that I needed to really move on with my life. I could now focus on my weight loss journey and focus on healing 100% from the surgery.

I felt free as a bird, but unmotivated at times. With everything that came at me within a week, I needed out of my house! Thankfully to some great friends, I was able to be out and about for two weekends in a row to some music shows. It was great to be out of the house and catching up with friends that I hadn't seen in awhile. It also felt good to get the compliments from people saying how I great I looked and noticing my weight loss. It made me feel so good to hear those kind words! I was feeling good about my life despite everything that had taken place! That all changed for me a week ago when I got a big reality check. In situations like this, you are always going to find out who your true friends are and who is going really be there for you when you need it. Granted, I have always been the go to person. I travel and do not mind spending the money for gas and driving the miles to places to support the endeavors of my friends. I had a weekend planned that I was looking forward to. A close friend of mine promised a ride and a place to stay. Things were looking good. Then as soon as something in the plans changed, that person bailed on me. I felt hurt. I was angry because as much as I stick my neck out for people, it sucks when it is not reciprocated back to you. I felt like no matter how much of my time or health that I sacrificed for others this last year and a half, I felt alone. I felt like I had no one there for me. It made me bitter and stressed out, and that was not going to help me in my weight loss journey. Even though I finally reached the milestone of getting below 300 pounds, my weight has been fluctuating back and forth that hurdle for the last week or so. It was frustrating to me. After a good talk with some great friends, I realized that I needed to use this time to take this weight loss journey up a notch.

This past Tuesday, I had my 2nd post surgery follow up appointment with my doctor. I explained to him of everything I was going through in April, and assured him that I was still following the diet. I was honest in letting him know that I didn't take in as many opportunities to exercise as I should have considering the circumstances, but told him that I was not giving up. An ultrasound was done on m gallbladder, and he saw that there could be potential problems with my gallbladder. The way he told me had me a little stressed. Don't get me wrong. I love my bariatric doctor, but it seemed like he wanted me to have it removed right away. I was not in the position to even make such a sudden decision. My insurance was about to lapse and whether I was going to have it continue to have the surgery or wait it out, I was going to have to end up spending more money on another surgery. I felt like I had reached the end of my emotional rope. Did not want to absorb anymore news of any kind, and I was so angry. After talking with my mom and a few close friends, I was able to calm down and do the praying and soul searching that I needed to clear my head. I came to the best decision that I could make for myself, and I now have a game plan of what I need to focus on.

Now that the month of May is here, I realize that I need to make a lot of sacrifices in order to get from point A to point B and beyond. Instead of stressing about bills or what I don't have a the moment, I'm going to focus more of my time in getting myself in shape. Going to do a 30 minute walk at least once a day. Twice if the weather permits. I'm going to continue on my progression diet (more so a lifestyle change) that was laid out for me by my nutritionist. I have been sharing on my personal Facebook page and on Instagram my protein shake/smoothie recipes using baby food. It's been nice to see the positive responses from that! :) Now that I don't have a dependable car, I'm going to cut back on any traveling until I get a new car. As much as I would love to be here, there, and everywhere, the reality of it all is that it's HARD to find a dependable person that is willing to give you a ride. So I'm just going to eliminate all of that stress by just sticking to what I need to focus on at home. If people want to see me, they can come to MY neck of the woods for once!

That is pretty much it for now. I have some personal goals for the next few months in regards to my weight, and now is a great time to kickstart those goals in gear! I'm more motivated and driven than I have ever been! I KNOW that I can make it through any hurdle in this journey!

28 Days Post Op!!! Looking Back....

So today marks 28 days since my surgery!!! I'm so proud of myself for how far I've come since recovery, and just as proud of how much I overcame . With so much that has been going on since this last update, I thought it would be better to do a video blog! So here is VBlog #2!!! There will definitely be more video blogs to come in the future!  Enjoy! :)

In order to BE in the race, you gotta be able to STAY in the race....

So I'm almost done with my second week of recovery & diet since getting sleeved on March 18th, and I think this week, I FINALLY found the energy that I completely lost for years prior to the surgery. It seem like for the majority of this week, I was up in the early hours of the mornings at times that my body just did not use to comprehend. Seriously, 6:00 am?! 7:00 am?! My body chemistry had no knowledge of these times before unless I was coming IN the house on the weekend from being out of town at a venue. Haha! I'm truly amazed at my own strength on a daily basis. Every single day, I move around so much better. For like 3-4 days out of this week, I started doing like 15 mins rep of non-stop walking in my house followed by a 10 minute rep of just light aerobics. I would have the music going from my TV, and then I would just let the movement of my body be the natural choreographer. Nothing special, but it WAS special. I found myself letting loose. I found myself enjoy myself at what I was doing. I found myself doing this WITHOUT getting out of breath and WITHOUT any joint or arthritis pain! Something that I haven't felt in THREE years! Truly the most amazing feeling in the world! I was so proud! I felt like I was truly on my way to really being able to incorporate something like this when I make my way back to working. I must be honest, today I felt like a lazy bum, but even God had a day of rest! So that's what I did today! I deserved it! :)

This past Tuesday March 26th, I had my first post-op follow up appointment with Dr. Turton, and ALL of my vitals were good! Blood pressure and pulse was normal. Weight loss results were great! Dr. Turton said that I was right on track! I was in his office with my mother with the biggest smile on my face. I truly feel like a new woman and with no regrets in deciding to have this surgery at all! Before he scheduled my next follow up appointment, we discussed about my six month goal, and he envisioned me to be somewhere between 225 & 250 lbs... pretty much the same goal that I had made for myself. He says if I keep on doing what I've been doing, that I will be well on my way! :)

I made my first video blog of my weight loss journey on Monday, and I had it uploaded to YouTube.

To be honest, it's not the BEST video, but it's a start! After getting some great feedback from friends, I know how I'm going to approach in doing these in the future! :)

DIET DIET DIET! Well, I am still on the clear/full liquid diet. Basically, I've been consuming water, protein shakes, watered down creamy soups, and baby food. YES... baby food. Don't laugh, but when you've had a surgery of this magnitude and your newer, smaller stomach is healing, this is the best way to go. It's simple, basic nutrition, and it's good for what it is right now! Granted, I WISH I could have real food, but it will eventually happen! I gotta continue to "crawl" before I "walk" in this diet progression. In order to BE in the race, you gotta be able to STAY in the race, and I will do what I can to stay in the fight! I'm finding more way to consume more ounces of water during  the day, but I still have not gotten the knack of how to consume at least 48 ounces of water a day AND trying to get my 60-80 ounces of protein a day. I'm sure I will eventually get it, but at this early stage of recovery, it's difficult. Especially when your new stomach can only hold up to 4 ounces at a time. Starting on April 1st, I move to pureed/blended foods. I'll at least be able to have cottage cheese, fat free/lowfat cheese, tuna, chicken, soggy sugar free cereal, and then in two weeks, soft food. THEN real food. It's a gradual progression nonetheless, but I'm pulling through. It's NOT easy, but it's WORTH it! :)

As of this morning, I weighed myself on the scale, and I am now at 306 pounds! That is a loss of 19 lbs since the surgery on March 18th, and total loss of 44 lbs since starting this journey November 28, 2012. Getting VERY close to kissing the 300s goodbye! The last time I was below 300 lbs was about seven years ago. So I'm looking forward to achieving that! I'm truly proud at how much I have overcome these last four months. To look back and see where I started to where I am now, I have no doubt that I will be successful in this journey. I WILL make my goals. I WILL conquer this!

The start of what will soon a long progression collage of my weight loss! 

A New Life... Rebirth.

You know the feeling after making a big decision in your life? Whether it's a new car, new apartment, new house, new zip code, new country even?! You have this overwhelming feeling that you are starting all over from scratch. That right there would perfectly describe how I have felt since having my surgery on Monday.

Whenever I am excited about something major happening in my life, my anxiety kicks into overdrive. I can't sleep. I can't focus. All I am looking forward to is the next point of action and I go from there. I think at the most... I had three hours of sleep the night before my surgery. It also didn't help that my phone was constantly blowing up with well wishes from so many of my friends and family. I didn't mind that at all. :) When my alarm went off, it was officially go time for me. I showered, I overpacked... literally. Lol. Then I was good to go. Gung ho. Just READY for what was to come!  The ride to West GA Medical in Lagrange was one of deep reflection & nerves. So many thoughts roaming through my head, but in the same token, I was so happy that the big day finally arrived. Not a single ounce of doubt or regret ever crossed my mind.

I finally arrived to the hospital, and I was feeling more & more overwhelmed... but in a good way. After getting my mom & I registered and taken care of, we were escorted to the pre-surgery area. I got changed, got my vitals checked, IV in place, and I was settled into the bed. Then came the waiting game... and it felt like I was waiting for a long time. It's a good thing my mom was with me because she calmed all of my fears that I had at that very moment. We prayed together, and before you know it, it was time for me to head to surgery. I waved goodbye to her as I was being rolled away, and the next thing I know, they were ready to give me the anesthesia. All I remembered was talking with the two anesthesia nurses, and the next thing I know.... I was waking up in the recovery room & in pain. I felt like I was a newborn baby being introduced to the world all over again. Everything felt like it happened in a flash.... The pain was a sign that wow.... I went through this! I kept being told that the surgery went well, and I was thankful for that.

Eventually, I was being transported to my hospital room to where I would get acquainted with the nursing staff for each shift and my bed & outline of my room. The first 12 hours post surgery was very trying. I was in a lot of pain... stomach AND back pain. The left side of my back was hurting the most & made it hard for me to be comfortable in bed to sleep. Thankfully, the nursing staff along with my mom was there for me every step of the way to make sure that I was as comfortable as possible. Hours after the surgery, I took my first walk on the hospital floor. I took it slow at first but as the hours passed by, the further I would walk.

The next day came, and I was awake very early because I had to have an x-ray done just to make sure that everything was perfect interally with the sleeve, incisions, and staple line in hopes that there were no leaks.  I had to take a sip of this awful stuff.... first liquid since having the surgery & it just made me want more and more ice chips. After going through that hurdle, I was transported back to my room ready for whatever was next. I was bathed & given my vitamin & meds for the day along with the first taste of broth & clear liquid drink since Sunday.  Throughout the second day at the hospital, I was feeling more comfortable as far as pain & my surroundings & I was still receiving messages & phone calls. I made it a point to take a photo to post on my Facebook page to let everyone know that I was doing okay. I also got a few visitors in my room, and it was just nice to see familiar faces & hear familiar voices. It was so comforting. It made this entire transition & part of my journey in my life worth it. After taking a few more walks on the floor & a goodnight sleep, the following morning arrived and it was time to say goodbye. I was excited about going home, but was grateful to the entire staff for being so wonderful during my stay.

The next few days leading up to now has been a huge transition for me as far as eating, sleeping... EVERYTHING. I am now dealing with a much smaller stomach, but yet I can already see & feel a difference in me. I feel lighter when I walk. My legs & feet right now are the smallest they have ever been in a long time. I truly feel the difference in eating & drinking something & feeling full so quickly after just a few bites or sips.  Each day is a progression and a challenge for me. I have done well so far in following the orders of my doctor, but it hasn't been easy by all means. As of this morning, March 23rd, I have lost 12 lbs since the surgery, and a total of 37 pounds since November. I am proud of myself & thankful that my mom was around to take care of me at home whenever I needed her. 313 lbs?! I'll take it, but I know I have a long way to go in order to reach my goal.

This coming Tuesday, I have a post surgery follow up with my doctor. I am more motivated & determined now than I have ever been in a long time. I know in my heart that truly made the right decision for myself!

Welcome to my NEW life!

It's a Bittersweet Symphony... A Surreal Farewell.

Wow.

It's now 11:51 pm Eastern Time, and my surgery will taking place a little over 11 hours from now. Words can never fully describe the feeling that I have right now as the hours get closer to my surgery. For the most part, I have been incredibly excited and anxious about this surgery! Nothing but positive thoughts and high hopes for the future, but when Friday March 15th rolled around, it seemed like my nerves started to kick in. I was completely unraveling like CRAZY! Not unsure or scared about the surgery, but just overstimulated and VERY much overwhelmed. I was stressing about things outside of the surgery, and I was crying a lot over the period of four to five hours that night. It lead me to write a nice little rant on my personal Facebook page.

"- This body HURTS. Being in this body SUCKS. 
Sick & tired of being just that.... sick & tired. For the longest time, I couldn't bear to even look at myself in the mirror without wanting to shatter it into a thousand pieces. Yeah, I do what I can to keep it together, but in the same token, I hurt so much. I may look like the life of the party & the bright light for everyone else, but deep inside, I've never felt so alone. Secretly measuring myself up to whoever is around me... even some of you.... and sometimes thinking I'll never measure up to her or him.... Sometimes thinking no matter what I do, it will never be enough. No matter how much I go go go... Never enough. Kind of hard to hear the word "beautiful" during this journey because it took me 29 out of 30 years to believe it for myself. Drained and praying that I don't lose heart.... ♥"

And THAT was exactly how I felt at the moment. Tired of this body. Tired of the pain that associated with this body, and just sick and tired of being... SICK AND TIRED! I was at the point where I was just drained. So emotionally drained. Taken to a dark place that I once knew and did NOT want to experience again. I had a long conversation with my mom, and it made me feel so much better. I came to some daunting conclusions through our conversation. Being that I have been obese for 23 out of 30 years of my life, I have NEVER been a healthy teenager NOR a healthy adult. I have spent my life trapped in a vicious cycle of emotional eating, security eating, and eating JUST to be eating. I don't have many recollections of myself being a skinny or HEALTHY person. PERIOD. What made my nerves unravel even more was the realization that after this surgery, I will no longer use food as a fuel for emotional eating, security eating, or eating just to be eating. Food was no longer going to be my security blanket. I was now going to have to treat food as fuel for my life. My health. My wellness. Yet, another "aha moment" was reached. Then my mom and I sat and tried to imagine what I would look like as a smaller sized me. It became really surreal to me then... because I realized that when I would look in the mirror months or even a year from now, I will not recognize the woman I see. All of it will be just a memory. 

It's truly bittersweet! For the majority of my life, I was this size, and eventually, I will no longer identify myself with the mentality of being the "fat friend", "chubby girl", or "big girl"... I'm laying all of that to rest right now! Though my weight will change, my heart and my personality will never change. That's what I want for my family and friends to realize more than anything! 

Today was the last day of the pre-surgery liquid diet, and I decided to weigh myself. As of this morning, I'm 325 lbs. I lost 16 pounds total since Monday March 11th through this liquid diet. I  was so relieved because I had gained a bit of that weight from the last couple of weeks of indulging in meals that I loved and craved so much. 

Pre-Op Weight: 325 lbs. These will officially be the "before" photos!

After an afternoon of spending time with family at church in celebration of another milestone in my parents' lives, I came home and decided to take some photos of myself. I decided that since I was already very open and candid about my journey, that it just wouldn't be fair to hold back when it came to the photos. So I let it all hang out, and it felt freeing. I want people to truly see in the long run how far I will come, and how far I will go from this moment. It's adios to the flabby arms, stomach gut, thunder thighs, thunder legs, thunder BOOTY... ALL OF THE ABOVE!!! 

This is a new beginning. Pre-destined by God himself, and I am going to walk into my DESTINY! 

The Day I Reached My "Aha Moment".....

Oprah Winfrey has been one of my longtime idols, and her signature phrase "aha moment" has made such a footprint into our social consciousness. What defines an "aha moment" is to define it as a moment of sudden realization, inspiration, insight, recognition, or comprehension. 

February 19, 2013 was the day that I had reached my "aha moment".

In the weeks and day prior to February 19th, I was playing the waiting game. Waiting for the phone call that I knew would change the direction of my life and health forever. Waiting patiently for the insurance company to either authorize or deny to cover my surgery. I had went through all of the requirements: the labwork, the nutrition class, the psychological evaluation, and the letter from my primary care physician to verify that I was morbidly obese went through. From January 28th and onward, I was playing the waiting game. So I did, and I moved on with my life as normal. Plus, my 30th Birthday was coming up! Though, I initially did not make any big plans for my birthday this year. The one thing that I wanted for my birthday the most already came to light.  What I wanted the most for my birthday this year was to see my brothers and best friends Within Reason win the Grammy Live contest for this year. I didn't care about a dinner, cake, or party. THIS was what I wanted. January 29th, I got the confirmation that my birthday wish was coming true, and I couldn't be any more happier for the guys! I was at work when I got the news, and I literally was screaming all over the workplace in excitement! I wanted them to have this moment just as badly as THEY did! So preparing for the Grammy Live celebration, going to shows on the weekend, and working during the week kept me distracted from thinking about the wait from the insurance company.

Taken during my birthday weekend!

My 30th Birthday came around on February 17, and it truly felt like a brand new chapter of my life. For some reason, I had this feeling within me that for the first time in my life, I truly feel like I am coming into my own. I feel so good about myself as a woman and CONFIDENT and HAPPY with my life and my decisions. I came a long way, and there were moments that I didn't think I would ever reach this age! I was truly overwhelmed that weekend from the mass amounts of phone calls, text messages, Facebook posts FULL of birthday wishes. My eyes welled up with tears quite a few times that day, and I was genuinely grateful and thankful for all of the kinds words and wishes. To me, life was GOOD. Little did I know that it was about to get better.

February 19th.  I was not feeling my best on that day by any means. All of the fun times from my birthday weekend was catching up with me, and my osteoarthritis was flaring up like crazy! I was feeling like CRUD! So I was sitting on my recliner, and I looked through my phone. My phone sometimes doesn't download any voice messages into the system in time. So in some instances, I would get them a day or two late. So I noticed I had a voice message from the 18th that I didn't know about. It was from Dr. Turton's office. Immediately, I was lit up like a kid on Christmas Day! The words I waited for weeks to hear.... The news that I wanted... That life changing phone call had arrived. Soon after, I called the nurse back. You couldn't deny the excitement in my voice! She went over the details with me, and we set a date for the surgery. I went with March 18th. Which is exactly ONE month and ONE day after my 30th birthday. The number one in numerology is a symbol for new beginnings, a journey of change, independence, and becoming who you really are. It FELT right. God was all in that! As soon as I hung up the phone with the nurse, I was in tears. Just shouting and thanking God for this blessing. I had reached my "aha moment."

IT WAS REALLY GOING TO HAPPEN!

Everything about my life was going to change for good and for the BETTER. When my parents came home, I couldn't wait to tell them the news! They were just as happy as I was! I then proceed to text and Facebook message all of my closest friends, family, and second family. I wanted them to know first. I had decided for myself that I would eventually let EVERYONE know. For me personally, I want to be as open and candid as possible with EVERYONE. I didn't have that fear of worrying of what others would say or any negative feedback. None of that mattered to me. I was doing this for ME. So I updated my Facebook status letting everyone know what was going on, and I don't think I was ever ready for the mass pouring of love, support, and kind words from so many of my friends and family. I was in tears. It was truly overwhelming. What really stuck with me is the words a friend of mine who had the surgery a few months ago said to me. She told me, "Your new life doesn't begin on the day of your surgery. Your new life begins NOW." Words have never been truer than that. My new life was beginning right then on that day. I felt like it was a new birthday for me.

It was truly a divine destiny for everything to happen as they did, and it would inspire me and lead me to start this blog. It was time for me to make the most of what would be a full transformation. Not just physical, but a mental, emotional, AND spiritual transformation. It was truly been all of that and more. The journey has not ended... it's about to get SURREAL. The closer it gets to March 18th, the more surreal it gets for me. That woman that I see in the mirror now is not going to look like that in three months, or six months, or even a year. I am excited, anxious, and a good energy of nervous all at the same time!

The best is truly yet to come for me, and I am literally walking into my destiny.....

Walking into my destiny.... and there is no turning back!

Beautiful is BEYOND skin deep.

For most of my 30 years of living, I had a very POOR self image. For the longest time, I never considered myself to be beautiful. Maybe cute. Maybe just a little pretty... but never really BEAUTIFUL. Growing up as a chubby girl, I felt like my brain was washed with so many conceptions & MISconceptions of what beauty was. When you've been constantly picked on, laughed at, and bullied by your peers because of what you look like on the outside, it can be very difficult to have any form of high self-esteem... much less a positive self image. I hid behind a lot of my pain with a smile. That was my defense mechanism at all times. Yeah, pick on me all you want to, but I'm still going to smile. At least my smile would count for something.... What I would eventually realize so many years later is that beauty is so much more than the physical appearance. Beauty is the overall presence. It's your spirit. It's your heart. It's that light within that just draws people to you & makes them so attracted to you and what you're about. True beauty is not all about the size, and it took me a long time to realize that.

3rd Grade Me

I'm not going to lie. Going through puberty was hell on Earth for this small town preacher's daughter. I started earlier that every other girl in my class. I started growing boobs in the 5th grade which made going to PE class at the age of 10 &11 VERY awkward. I can't say that I remember being an A, B, OR C cup. I honestly believe that I went straight into a D cup. I come from a family of women that are very big breasted. It was bound to be inevitable, right?! Not to mention, one of the first girls in my class to be introduced to Mother Nature herself. Big boobs AND a monthly period at TEN?! SERIOUSLY?! I always felt like an old soul during my youth, but nothing could have prepared me for ANY of that. I was already halfway to 200 pounds at that age, but good lord, did I have some extra cushion included in that! Again, AWKWARD. I think I made it worse for myself in 6th grade.  You're at that age where you feel that you're becoming too grown for the looks that you had before. Looking back on it now through photos, WHAT WAS I THINKING?!  As a little girl, I had the most BEAUTIFUL long hair. Pressed and curled EVERY Saturday morning at Mrs. Hannah's house (RIP). Oh the memories of my mom taking me over there for her to wash, press, and curl my hair while watching Soul Train on the TV.

4th Grade Me

Around 4th grade, I had the idea of wanting a jheri curl in my hair. A few of my cousins had that, and I thought it would look great for me. So we made it happen. I actually looked cute! I liked it! Kept it all through 4th and 5th grade. For soooooome reason, I had the notion in 6th grade to get a hair cut. For WHAT reason, I don't even recall. BIG MISTAKE. Looking back on it now, I WISHED I had kept my long hair at the time. I guess I was trying to be a little grown before my time. I mean hey I had the boobs to match... WHY NOT?!

If I thought PE class was awkward in 5th & 6th grade, then 7th & 8th grade made it much worse for me. Having to change in front of my fellow female classmates did not help with my self esteem at all. Not one bit. The female PE coach at the time didn't make it easier either. Cannot begin to tell you the many times I wanted to skip class because of her and how she made me feel about myself. Pure grade A BITCH was what she was. Did not like running laps because of the size of my boobs. Refused to, and sat out many times because of it. I was willing to risk my honor roll average because of that dreaded class. Good thing being in band took care of that for the rest of my school years.

7th Grade Me

8th Grade Me

As always beyond all of that, I manage to go through life ... with a smile. Because I was one of the bigger sizes girls in my class, it definitely made me more of a target for the boys just to be playful and mean. Teens can be so cruel... especially when you're at the age of trying to fit in and find your placing in life. I eventually just decided NOT to fit in and just be cool with whoever. Cliques were not my thing. It never mattered what a person wore or how they looked, I just got along with PEOPLE. I thought high school would be a little bit better, but no matter how many times I would try to muster through it, at the end of the day, I didn't even think I could compare in beauty to my skinnier classmates. Shopping during my teen years was not easy. There were not many popular clothing options for girls my size. It was never the case like it is nowadays for teenage girls. So all of the dresses I would have for myself looked nice on me, but made me look a little older, and I hated that. For once, I wanted to be AND feel as beautiful as my skinnier classmates. I'll admit. College was a little easier for me. I realized college was a time that no one really pin pointed your looks. Nobody cared! Everyone was free to dress as they pleased! I was a little relieved at that... but having the majority of your college roommates be at least 100 pounds smaller than you... Yeah. Did not help. Didn't matter how many times I was complimented for how I looked a certain day or what I wore, my self esteem was SHOT.

Sophomore Year at Auburn (Fall 2002)

First Year at JSU (Fall 2003)

The older I got in my 20s, the more I started to feel comfortable in my skin. I start to realize what worked for me and went with it. I made it work for my size. I used my best assets.. and by that, I mean I dressed to accentuate the huge boobs that God gave me. LOL. Dirty pillows. Jugs. Tig Ol Bitties. YES. They are MINE. ... In all seriousness, even in the years where I started to become comfortable in my skin, deep inside, I was still comparing myself to my skinnier friends. Honestly, I still do that now. I can take compliments a lot better nowadays, but it use to be so hard for me to take because I just DIDN'T believe it. It was hard for me to believe it when someone would tell me that I was pretty, cute, beautiful, gorgeous because I didn't see that in the mirror for a long time. Many times where I would cry at the sight of how I looked and HATING it. Wanting to break that mirror that I was looking at because I couldn't stand the way I look. How did I allow myself to get this way?

I had to end up realizing that hating myself and my image would mean hating the way God made me. Obviously, He had to be doing something right. Beauty is not entirely about your physical appearance on the outside. It's all about how you feel on the inside and so much more! In going through this journey, it has been tough to hear the whole "you're beautiful just the way you are" comments coming from friends and peers. I understand where they're coming from. I HAVE become comfortable in my skin. I have made my size work for me.... but now I have to think along the lines of being healthy. Being this body HURTS. I have to make a change! FOR ME! Beautiful is BEYOND skin deep. It's my spirit. My heart. My love. My light. My true nature within. Yes, I'm going to lose this weight along the way, but it won't change my personality, and it will never alter the amount of love I'll have for people.






For once, I'm just ready to look the way I've always felt on the inside, and be HAPPY with myself.