Beautiful is BEYOND skin deep.

For most of my 30 years of living, I had a very POOR self image. For the longest time, I never considered myself to be beautiful. Maybe cute. Maybe just a little pretty... but never really BEAUTIFUL. Growing up as a chubby girl, I felt like my brain was washed with so many conceptions & MISconceptions of what beauty was. When you've been constantly picked on, laughed at, and bullied by your peers because of what you look like on the outside, it can be very difficult to have any form of high self-esteem... much less a positive self image. I hid behind a lot of my pain with a smile. That was my defense mechanism at all times. Yeah, pick on me all you want to, but I'm still going to smile. At least my smile would count for something.... What I would eventually realize so many years later is that beauty is so much more than the physical appearance. Beauty is the overall presence. It's your spirit. It's your heart. It's that light within that just draws people to you & makes them so attracted to you and what you're about. True beauty is not all about the size, and it took me a long time to realize that.

3rd Grade Me

I'm not going to lie. Going through puberty was hell on Earth for this small town preacher's daughter. I started earlier that every other girl in my class. I started growing boobs in the 5th grade which made going to PE class at the age of 10 &11 VERY awkward. I can't say that I remember being an A, B, OR C cup. I honestly believe that I went straight into a D cup. I come from a family of women that are very big breasted. It was bound to be inevitable, right?! Not to mention, one of the first girls in my class to be introduced to Mother Nature herself. Big boobs AND a monthly period at TEN?! SERIOUSLY?! I always felt like an old soul during my youth, but nothing could have prepared me for ANY of that. I was already halfway to 200 pounds at that age, but good lord, did I have some extra cushion included in that! Again, AWKWARD. I think I made it worse for myself in 6th grade.  You're at that age where you feel that you're becoming too grown for the looks that you had before. Looking back on it now through photos, WHAT WAS I THINKING?!  As a little girl, I had the most BEAUTIFUL long hair. Pressed and curled EVERY Saturday morning at Mrs. Hannah's house (RIP). Oh the memories of my mom taking me over there for her to wash, press, and curl my hair while watching Soul Train on the TV.

4th Grade Me

Around 4th grade, I had the idea of wanting a jheri curl in my hair. A few of my cousins had that, and I thought it would look great for me. So we made it happen. I actually looked cute! I liked it! Kept it all through 4th and 5th grade. For soooooome reason, I had the notion in 6th grade to get a hair cut. For WHAT reason, I don't even recall. BIG MISTAKE. Looking back on it now, I WISHED I had kept my long hair at the time. I guess I was trying to be a little grown before my time. I mean hey I had the boobs to match... WHY NOT?!

If I thought PE class was awkward in 5th & 6th grade, then 7th & 8th grade made it much worse for me. Having to change in front of my fellow female classmates did not help with my self esteem at all. Not one bit. The female PE coach at the time didn't make it easier either. Cannot begin to tell you the many times I wanted to skip class because of her and how she made me feel about myself. Pure grade A BITCH was what she was. Did not like running laps because of the size of my boobs. Refused to, and sat out many times because of it. I was willing to risk my honor roll average because of that dreaded class. Good thing being in band took care of that for the rest of my school years.

7th Grade Me

8th Grade Me

As always beyond all of that, I manage to go through life ... with a smile. Because I was one of the bigger sizes girls in my class, it definitely made me more of a target for the boys just to be playful and mean. Teens can be so cruel... especially when you're at the age of trying to fit in and find your placing in life. I eventually just decided NOT to fit in and just be cool with whoever. Cliques were not my thing. It never mattered what a person wore or how they looked, I just got along with PEOPLE. I thought high school would be a little bit better, but no matter how many times I would try to muster through it, at the end of the day, I didn't even think I could compare in beauty to my skinnier classmates. Shopping during my teen years was not easy. There were not many popular clothing options for girls my size. It was never the case like it is nowadays for teenage girls. So all of the dresses I would have for myself looked nice on me, but made me look a little older, and I hated that. For once, I wanted to be AND feel as beautiful as my skinnier classmates. I'll admit. College was a little easier for me. I realized college was a time that no one really pin pointed your looks. Nobody cared! Everyone was free to dress as they pleased! I was a little relieved at that... but having the majority of your college roommates be at least 100 pounds smaller than you... Yeah. Did not help. Didn't matter how many times I was complimented for how I looked a certain day or what I wore, my self esteem was SHOT.

Sophomore Year at Auburn (Fall 2002)

First Year at JSU (Fall 2003)

The older I got in my 20s, the more I started to feel comfortable in my skin. I start to realize what worked for me and went with it. I made it work for my size. I used my best assets.. and by that, I mean I dressed to accentuate the huge boobs that God gave me. LOL. Dirty pillows. Jugs. Tig Ol Bitties. YES. They are MINE. ... In all seriousness, even in the years where I started to become comfortable in my skin, deep inside, I was still comparing myself to my skinnier friends. Honestly, I still do that now. I can take compliments a lot better nowadays, but it use to be so hard for me to take because I just DIDN'T believe it. It was hard for me to believe it when someone would tell me that I was pretty, cute, beautiful, gorgeous because I didn't see that in the mirror for a long time. Many times where I would cry at the sight of how I looked and HATING it. Wanting to break that mirror that I was looking at because I couldn't stand the way I look. How did I allow myself to get this way?

I had to end up realizing that hating myself and my image would mean hating the way God made me. Obviously, He had to be doing something right. Beauty is not entirely about your physical appearance on the outside. It's all about how you feel on the inside and so much more! In going through this journey, it has been tough to hear the whole "you're beautiful just the way you are" comments coming from friends and peers. I understand where they're coming from. I HAVE become comfortable in my skin. I have made my size work for me.... but now I have to think along the lines of being healthy. Being this body HURTS. I have to make a change! FOR ME! Beautiful is BEYOND skin deep. It's my spirit. My heart. My love. My light. My true nature within. Yes, I'm going to lose this weight along the way, but it won't change my personality, and it will never alter the amount of love I'll have for people.






For once, I'm just ready to look the way I've always felt on the inside, and be HAPPY with myself.