It's a Bittersweet Symphony... A Surreal Farewell.

Wow.

It's now 11:51 pm Eastern Time, and my surgery will taking place a little over 11 hours from now. Words can never fully describe the feeling that I have right now as the hours get closer to my surgery. For the most part, I have been incredibly excited and anxious about this surgery! Nothing but positive thoughts and high hopes for the future, but when Friday March 15th rolled around, it seemed like my nerves started to kick in. I was completely unraveling like CRAZY! Not unsure or scared about the surgery, but just overstimulated and VERY much overwhelmed. I was stressing about things outside of the surgery, and I was crying a lot over the period of four to five hours that night. It lead me to write a nice little rant on my personal Facebook page.

"- This body HURTS. Being in this body SUCKS. 
Sick & tired of being just that.... sick & tired. For the longest time, I couldn't bear to even look at myself in the mirror without wanting to shatter it into a thousand pieces. Yeah, I do what I can to keep it together, but in the same token, I hurt so much. I may look like the life of the party & the bright light for everyone else, but deep inside, I've never felt so alone. Secretly measuring myself up to whoever is around me... even some of you.... and sometimes thinking I'll never measure up to her or him.... Sometimes thinking no matter what I do, it will never be enough. No matter how much I go go go... Never enough. Kind of hard to hear the word "beautiful" during this journey because it took me 29 out of 30 years to believe it for myself. Drained and praying that I don't lose heart.... ♥"

And THAT was exactly how I felt at the moment. Tired of this body. Tired of the pain that associated with this body, and just sick and tired of being... SICK AND TIRED! I was at the point where I was just drained. So emotionally drained. Taken to a dark place that I once knew and did NOT want to experience again. I had a long conversation with my mom, and it made me feel so much better. I came to some daunting conclusions through our conversation. Being that I have been obese for 23 out of 30 years of my life, I have NEVER been a healthy teenager NOR a healthy adult. I have spent my life trapped in a vicious cycle of emotional eating, security eating, and eating JUST to be eating. I don't have many recollections of myself being a skinny or HEALTHY person. PERIOD. What made my nerves unravel even more was the realization that after this surgery, I will no longer use food as a fuel for emotional eating, security eating, or eating just to be eating. Food was no longer going to be my security blanket. I was now going to have to treat food as fuel for my life. My health. My wellness. Yet, another "aha moment" was reached. Then my mom and I sat and tried to imagine what I would look like as a smaller sized me. It became really surreal to me then... because I realized that when I would look in the mirror months or even a year from now, I will not recognize the woman I see. All of it will be just a memory. 

It's truly bittersweet! For the majority of my life, I was this size, and eventually, I will no longer identify myself with the mentality of being the "fat friend", "chubby girl", or "big girl"... I'm laying all of that to rest right now! Though my weight will change, my heart and my personality will never change. That's what I want for my family and friends to realize more than anything! 

Today was the last day of the pre-surgery liquid diet, and I decided to weigh myself. As of this morning, I'm 325 lbs. I lost 16 pounds total since Monday March 11th through this liquid diet. I  was so relieved because I had gained a bit of that weight from the last couple of weeks of indulging in meals that I loved and craved so much. 

Pre-Op Weight: 325 lbs. These will officially be the "before" photos!

After an afternoon of spending time with family at church in celebration of another milestone in my parents' lives, I came home and decided to take some photos of myself. I decided that since I was already very open and candid about my journey, that it just wouldn't be fair to hold back when it came to the photos. So I let it all hang out, and it felt freeing. I want people to truly see in the long run how far I will come, and how far I will go from this moment. It's adios to the flabby arms, stomach gut, thunder thighs, thunder legs, thunder BOOTY... ALL OF THE ABOVE!!! 

This is a new beginning. Pre-destined by God himself, and I am going to walk into my DESTINY!