The Will To Live..... Part One.

I just turned 30 on February 17th, and ever since that day, I've had periods of personal life reflection over the last week and a half. It all became very surreal to me on February 19th when I finally received the life changing call that I was waiting for...

When I took the time to look back on the last 30 years, I came to a very daunting conclusion. I have been the "big girl", heavy set, plus sized me for MOST of the last 30 years. It is kind of a sad thought to know that the last time that I was really at a healthy weight was maybe at the age of seven. Kind of makes me wonder... Did it REALLY take 23 years for me to finally take the leap to make the healthy change that I needed to make and for the RIGHT reasons? As a child, I grew up as a PK (for those not in the know, that means Preacher's Kid), and with living in a small town, everyone seem to already have the notion of what the life of a Preacher's family is suppose to be like. Don't get me wrong. I am blessed to have the sweetest and best parents in the world (in my eyes of course), but at the end of the day, we are just like everyone else. We had ups and downs of our own too. No matter what any of us were going through, I had that mechanism in me to keep a strong face and smile for everyone. To never break down or seem weak to anyone. And that is what I did throughout my childhood...

In all honesty, I had a good childhood, but there are moments that I went through that I try to keep as a blur. Private moments that I believe was the fuel for food in general to become a comfort for me... a security blanket. I attended a private Christian school from the ages of four to seven, and things were great. I loved my teachers. I had my good childhood friends. I really loved it!  At the age of seven, my parents could no longer afford for myself or my younger brother to attend that school anymore, and in the fall of 1990, my brother and I started public school. Granted, this was not by first bout with public school as I attended Kindergarten at Fairfax Elementary for a semester, and mentally, I still had horror stories from my time there. This time around, I wasn't as scared about starting a new school, but I wasn't as entirely opened to it. For the first few weeks, I felt like a little fish out of water. I was friendly, but quiet for the most part. I didn't really socialize a whole lot at first. Just observed, and I think because of that, I would get picked on by other kids. I continued to be that nice friendly kid, but I never really stood up for myself. I would just go home crying for most of the time. It also didn't help that my proper sounding voice made "weird" to them. I've always felt like I was different from everyone else. Wiser beyond my years... an old soul. Even as a kid. After my initial few weeks, I started to make a few good friends, socialize more, and excelled in my class while trying to make a good impression with my new teachers. However, none of that didn't immune me from any bullying. Especially as the years went by.

Fast forward to 5th grade. It's goodbye to elementary school and hello to a taste of what my middle school years were going to be like. At this point, I was ten years old, and maybe a good 60 or so pounds heavier than I was at age seven. Not to mention, puberty was on it's way to rearing it's ugly little head on me... and EARLY! Changes, changes, CHANGES?! It was already hard enough to be the heavier of all the girls in class, but now the thoughts of wearing a bra and monthly visits from mother nature?! REALLY?!  PE class all of a sudden became more and more of a drag for me, and once again, boys were being boys and just being mean. I believe at that point, food became a much bigger security blanket than I would realize. Food could never be mean to me, and I felt that because of that, it would be there for me at all times. So why NOT eat?...

As the junior high and high school years drifted by, the pounds would just continue to pack on. I think I was getting close to being 200 pounds by the time I was 14 and starting high school.  In the time of trying to "fit in" and finding where you belong or what "clique" you belong to, none of that mattered to me at all. I already had the mindset of being my own person, and I still remained to try to be friendly to everyone. Deep down, I guess I wanted so much to be liked by everyone. Even people who bullied me or picked on me because of my weight. Being a high school Freshman and a girl was trying on a daily basis. Not to mention being the weight that I was and already developing more curves that most of the girls in my class. It was an awkward experience for me, but that constants the remained in my life during that time were my friends, music, poetry, and yes... FOOD. That all changed for me Sophomore year. It seemed like my world was crashing down, and everyone that was my close friend became my worst enemy and worst nightmare. The strong front that I had, that strong wall.... my smile started to crash down, and it was something that got to a point where food could not help at all.

That was the first time in my life where I lost that will to live.....

It was 1999. I had only been 16 for a few months, and I was at the point of attempting to take my own life. I broke... broke down HARD, and I felt that I couldn't take it anymore. It seemed so contradictory for a Preacher's daughter to want to take her own life...  Everyone had their own cookie cutter view of the Preacher's family's life right? They're immuned from any trials, right? If they only knew... I needed that will to live more than anything at that moment. It would take the prayers of my sweet mother, her cries, and hugs to keep me alive... but for how long?