The Will To Live... Part Two.

After having attempted to take my own life at the age of 16, I prayed daily for God to give me the strength, mentally and physically, to get through the remaining years of high school. Thankfully as older kids were graduating and as I was entering Junior year, I finally felt like I came into my own. I felt a little more confident with myself. Not entirely comfortable, but confident enough to hold my head up with a smile. I started to focus on my future while trying to keep any personal feelings or emotions at bay. Going through life with a smile once again, and with that, food being my source of comfort again. Prom would come around, and as I excited as I was on the outside, deep down, I was dreading that moment. I didn't take much so I ended up taking a friend to my Junior Prom. I also dreaded shopping for a dress because of my size. There wasn't a lot of variety in dresses for a girl my size in the late 90s. So I had to settle for the darker colored dress. I felt beautiful, but not as beautiful as all of the other girls.  Being a plus sized girl in high school was definitely a recipe for low self esteem!

As senior year rolled by, and I was looking forward more and more to graduation. Graduation meant freeing myself from high school and moving toward a new chapter of my life. Granted, I would miss my friends, but I was looking ahead to brighter days in a new place.. a new venture.. COLLEGE! I attended Auburn University after graduating high school in 2001. I wanted to tackle the big university. I thought I was mentally and emotionally ready! Bring it on, right?! Well, it was different that I would ever expect it. I felt like a little fish in a HUGE pond. It also didn't help that I spent my two years at Auburn in an all girls dorm filled with mostly sorority girls who had what I thought were the PERFECT bodies. Talk about feeling insecure... Once again, I hid all of that behind my smile, and I remained friendly to everyone I would meet. The main difference with college was marching band was no longer my main source of physical activity. I made that choice not to march in Auburn's band, and that meant, more junk food. More time in the cafeteria. Instead of taking advantage of walking to classes, I used that transit like nobody's business. The less active, the better. I  was just lazy, but I was okay with that... for that point at least. I kept busy with being in concert band and gospel choir, but food was still a security blanket for me.

Fast forward to Spring semester 2003.... I was 20, and at the point of no return. It felt like 16 all over again, and once more, I was ready to take my own life. Food couldn't get me out of this one again. I needed to stop this cycle, and I believed that the only way to do it was to move away from everything I ever knew. Auburn was just too close to home for me, but it didn't feel like my home. I needed a change. At that point, my brother was graduating high school and accepted to Jacksonville State. I took the initiative to apply there as well, and I was accepted not too long after applying. There it was. My ticket to freedom!

Finally, I had that will to live once again.

I arrived to Jacksonville State in the fall of 2003, and for the first time since graduating high school, it felt like home to me. JSU was a lot smaller than Auburn, but the beautiful campus made up for it. The only people I knew was my brother and a close friend from home, but I was determined to make my mark. I knew the way to make my mark was to be a part of the marching band there. The JSU Marching Southerners. I auditioned for the Drumline a few months prior, and initially didn't make it. However, I bonded with a person who was in the same boat as I was, and we ended up being runners for the line. Because of that, I ended up making so many friends throughout the band that are now my lifelong friends. Being a part of Southerners would bring some level of physical activity back into my life. I had been out of shape for so long and had continue to be dependent on food for comfort. No matter what, food was still a security blanket. I took advantage of the meal plans, and spent my time in the cafeteria on a daily basis. Instead of walking to class on some days, I drove to class or carpooled. Once again, settled in my comfort zone.

Throughout the last ten years since then, my weight has ballooned up and up. Especially since I started drinking alcohol once I got to JSU. The pounds were adding up. I tried so many fads. So many diets. Doing it for so many reasons, but the most important reason. MYSELF. When I left JSU in April 2006, I was around 290 pounds... and since then, my weigh on an up and down rollercoaster... and with that, came the moments were I was in that vicious cycle again. Allowing events in my life to affect my eating and take away my will to live.

So many times, I was advised by my doctor to cut back and be more active. I would do it for a period of time and be successful. It would last until something drastic happened in my life... a death.. a loss of something or a someone, and food would once again comfort me. I have always identified as being an emotional eater. Eating just to make it through life. Food being a security blanket for me because it never let me down.... Summer of 2010, I was diagnosed with osteoarthritis, and you would think that would be the catalyst to finally change to be a healthier me.... May of 2012, I allowed my health get to a breaking point to where I was on the verge of sending myself to an earlier grave... and I made minor changes, but never to the point of permanent change. I became too content with everything. I was happy, but not at the healthiest that I know that I could be.

It took my uncle having a triple bypass heart attack back in November of 2012 for things to finally click for me. That was the moment that I realized that I owe it to MYSELF to be the healthiest that I can be. I needed to finally take this journey, and do it for the person who needed it the most. Doing it for ME.